![\"trashcans\"](\"http:\/\/danklass.com\/pill\/wp-content\/uploads\/2010\/05\/trashcans-300x300.jpg\" "\\"trashcans\\"")
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Apparently, I have control issues.\u00a0 For instance, when it comes to the wildlife in my backyard, I really need the creatures that I meet out there to run away in fear.\u00a0 Or, at least run away.\u00a0 Instead they need to defy me.\u00a0 They seem to give me the old stink-eye, like a teenager who has just realized you’re the most stupid person on earth.\u00a0 Amazing.<\/p>\n
Aren’t I a hundred times larger than the little lizard living behind my trash cans?\u00a0 Shouldn’t he cower in fear?\u00a0 I know if I saw a ten-story bald man coming at me in progressive lenses I’d run like the wind.\u00a0 What happened to “fight or flight?”\u00a0 It’s now “flight or be ornery.”<\/p>\n
I helped my neighbor trouble-shoot is malfunctioning cable box.\u00a0 Yes, like I told my wife, I should have just joined the A.V. Club in high school and gotten a jump start on all this tech support jazz.<\/p>\n
In two weeks I’ll find out whether on of my battery of doctors wants to have that thing on my ankle biopsied.\u00a0 I think in two weeks I will be dead from thinking about it for two weeks.\u00a0 I try not to think about it all the time, but I do think about it all the time, even when I’m supposed to be driving safely.<\/p>\n
If I only had three months to live, I wouldn’t go to Paris, even though I’d never been.\u00a0 I want to visit everywhere I’d ever been on more time…<\/p>\n
PREMIUM EDITION: Fifty minutes
\nFREE EDITION: Twenty-seven, thirty-nine<\/p>\n